FYI: THEY HAVE GROUP CHATS ABOUT HOW TO RAPE US. YES, REALLY.
While women are busy sharing cocktail recipes in our group chats, men are trading sexual assault tactics in theirs. And the good guys™ are more outraged by this headline than that fact.
Content warning: Discussion of sexual violence, assault, and rape culture.
HEY LADIES, while we’re sharing Christmas casserole recipes, men have group chats about how to rape us. Yes, really.
A recent investigation uncovered Telegram groups with 70,000 members in Europe sharing tips on how to rape and sexually assault women.
Seventy. Thousand. Members.
That’s enough men to fill 875 standard school buses.
Enough men to fill Madison Square Garden three times over.
Enough men to fill an NFL stadium during the Super Bowl.
Are you there, Misogynistic Hellscape? It’s me, Jo.
And pray tell, what is the overwhelming response from men when women express horror at this revelation?
You guessed it: “Not all men”.
Jesus take the wheel.
Telegram, set up by a — shock horror! — white male billionaire has long been the go-to messaging platform for dodgy AF behavior due to the firm’s refusal to share any data with government agencies.
Although to be clear, this fuckery goes way beyond Telegram. These cesspools of social toxicity are everywhere and online harassment and abuse of women is endemic across ALL social media platforms. From unsolicited explicit messages to coordinated harassment campaigns, these spaces have become breeding grounds for misogynistic behavior, with platform moderation consistently falling waaaaay short.
Social platforms aren’t simply nurturing these violent monsters — they’re also giving them a megaphone, support group, and very own WhatsApp circle jerk.
You know what’s fascinating slash horrifying about this 70,000 number? When women and femmes read news like this, we immediately think of our daughters, our sisters, our friends, ourselves. We adjust our behaviors, check our drinks, update our location-sharing apps. We ALL have things we do in these situations to remain as aware and safe as possible.
Meanwhile, a disturbing number of men’s first instinct when they read news like this is to defend their reputation.
“Well, I would never —”
Cool fucking story, bro. But this isn’t about you.
Did you know that in the U.K., approximately one in every four women will experience sexual assault in their lifetime? In the U.S., it’s MORE THAN HALF of all women. Australia? One in five. Canada? One in three.
People, these aren’t just statistics — they’re an international fucking crisis.
And these are just the reported cases. In the U.S. only approximately 30% of sexual assaults are ever reported to police, and of those, only approximately 2-3% lead to felony convictions. The numbers are staggering, but the silence is deafening.
Can we also talk about the raging elephant in this trauma-filled room? If more than 50% of women in the U.S. will or have experienced sexual assault, it means we are all consistently walking around amongst these rapists and assaulters.
They are our neighbors.
Our doctors.
Our firemen.
Our cops.
Our coworkers.
Our Uber drivers.
Our mailmen.
Our brothers.
Our husbands.
Our sons.
Remember that horrific French case where the man sedated his own wife and offered her to other men online? Fifty men were found guilty. Fifty. That’s not a few bad apples — that’s an orchard of male toxic-rot.
“But I’m not like that!” men protest, adjusting their metaphorical halos as they grab their crotches.
Cool.
So, what are you like then, David? What are you doing about it?
Because real solidarity with women and femmes isn’t a *not all men* tweet.
This September, I was walking when a man in a car decided my appearance deserved his commentary in an empty parking lot. When I wrote a short post about how terrifying* it was — being alone with a strange man evaluating my looks — HUNDREDS of men emerged in my comments to call me a slut, paranoid, desperate, and ugly.
*Quick and important side note for white women here: Please remember for Black and Brown women, the threat of sexual violence I felt is magnified by racial terror — and thus both their fear and risk is exponential.
I remember clearly how sooo many men said I was asking for it.
Others insisted women love this attention.
Hey ALL men — a.k.a., you walking manifestos of mediocrity — this is why victims of rape and assault don’t come forward.
And now cue the barrage of “we’re not all walking manifestos of mediocrity” DMs . . .
Why is it we tell little girls to cover up but don’t teach little boys about consent? Why do we tell daughters “he’s mean because he likes you” instead of telling sons that violence is unacceptable? Why do we raise generation after generation in this toxic casserole of normalized violence and then act surprised when it boils over?
Because here’s what women see: When we share stories of assault, men rush to say *not all men*. When we discuss safety measures, men say *not all men*. When we express fear based on actual events and statistics, men say *not all men*.
But when news breaks about 70,000 men sharing assault tactics? When court cases expose rings of abusers? When statistics show epidemic levels of violence against women?
*Crickets*
Oh I’m sorry, what was that, David? You’re too busy posting about your gym routine? Too occupied sharing Joe Rogan clips? Can’t hear your outrage over the sound of you calling women “females” in Reddit threads?
This is why we say all fucking men. Because even the ones who *aren’t* actively participating in violence *are* often actively participating in silence.
DUDES: Want to really be in the *not all men* camp? Start by:
Being as outraged by violence against women as you are by being lumped in with violent men
Calling out “locker room talk” (i.e., open talk about sexual assault) instead of awkwardly laughing along
Supporting organizations that combat sexual violence
Actually listening to women instead of defensively interrupting with “but not all —”
Because when men actually step up, things change. Workplace bystander intervention programs significantly reduce harassment. When men actively challenge sexist behavior in their friend groups, those behaviors measurably decrease. When parents explicitly teach their sons about consent and respect, we see real reductions in sexual violence.
I gotta believe change is possible. But it sure as shit requires more than your *not all men* protests and your wounded masculinity bingo cards.
And men, know this: While you’re busy declaring yourself one of the “good ones”, we are just out here trying not to become one of your fucking statistics.
As a man, I write the following: 70K men comparing notes on how to assault women is horrifying. That's not a chat group. That is a terrorist organization. Damn.
I'm a trans masculine person and have frankly been appalled at the inability for men to recognize that it is A LOT of us doing this (although I don't use man as a label I still feel I qualify for the purpose of this statement). "Not all men" is a deflection against criticism and scrutiny without extreme cause. But, as a victim of assault myself, they are almost always invisible. Mine was invisible.
"Not all men" keeps women from seeing justice in the same way "all lives matter" deflected attention from systemic racism. Yes, not all men are rapist, yes all lives do matter, but saying that in response to ACTUAL SYSTEMIC ISSUES is never an appropriate response. It dilutes the actual issue instead of addressing what is actually happening: The horrible and massive assaults on women and feminine identifying people.
I extend my deepest sympathies to others who have experienced assault.